what if...?

I cant help but wonder if mom's core biopsy results I read this morning are actually correct.

The report read 'benign tissue'.

The tremendous joy I felt this morning was beyond what I can adequately describe here. I called mom immediately. I was beside myself with joy. Suddenly I had hope. Hope that everything will be okay.

Then as my excitement settled into a more reasonable calm, I started to wonder if the sample sent for biopsy was from normal tissue. What if she really does have cancer and this report was inaccurate due to missing the malignant tissue on biopsy?

But on the other hand, what if this is one of the rare situations where it was only a benign mass?

Awaiting repeat core biopsy, to continue chemo in the meantime.

What if......?

The journey continues

Mom called me this morning to ask if she can have fewer cycles of chemo.

'Six is too many', she said.

Its at times like this that I am not sure what the most encouraging words would be.

'Others have 12'. 'Only think of the one you have next, not all at the same time' I said.

'This is the toughest battle I have had to fight', she continued. I agreed with her in this one.

I deliberately pushed her diagnosis out of my mind over the last few days so I can study.

I need this exam to be able to take care of my family.

God, please get her well.

Designated issues

Here I am once again thinking about something else beside the real thing I should be thinking about; my exam due in a few weeks. I did the NBME yesterday and God, do I have lots to do!

I am grateful for those other 'lesser' problems that occupy my mind and hold it together. Otherwise, if I actually looked at the real issues that worry me, I wouldn't be able to study.

My new bold bald look!

So I lost it last evening and went bald; literally. I am free at last!

This is also to support my mom who may be losing her hair soon to chemotherapy.

We are in this together mom:)

How it all began....

So I thought I may give a brief history of how this blog was born.

In the summer of 2010, I took the plunge. After over 6 months of ruminating about quitting my job to give myself time to pursue Medical Residency, I finally did it at the end of spring.

It was the scariest thing I ever did given the circumstances. But my soul had dragged it out as far as it could working a 9-5 job with little (if any) job satisfaction.

Once I started to pursue what was really important to me, I felt a heavy weight fall off my shoulders. In my mind's eye, I saw myself sprint past the obstacles I had become accustomed to fighting or just bearing in order reach my goal.

It was such a relief, a feeling of being reborn, giving my life another shot. At least this time I had a long term plan. I had an idea where I wanted to go and how I was going to get there. I was taking a chance to live consciously, something that was totally new to me.

I therefore couldn't have found a better title for my blog: 'beautifulbeginnings'.

Yet at the time I couldn't have imagined that the first story on this fresh chapter of my life would be a fight for life; literally. A fight that started with one phone call, a regular check up on my family, nothing out of the ordinary. A phone call to my mom on my way to the study center I had been studying at for 2 months already and the one statement that changed everything: 'I feel a lump in my breast'; to be more precise, it was in luganda: 'Mpulira ekiziimba mubeere'.

That day was August 7 2010

Reflection

After being furious at no one in particular over the last few weeks, I am getting to see the recent events in a whole new light. At first I was mad that mom's mass was so big. Angry that she didn't seek treatment sooner. 'Why would anyone do that?' I asked.

Thinking of 10cm of tumor was beyond comprehension, but here it was. And if it weren't for that blessed arm, she would not have said a word. I call it 'blessed' coz it set in motion the events that I believe will save mom's life. If it weren't for the pain and numbness in that arm, who knows how big or how far the cancer would have grown before she sought treatment?

Now that I can think more clearly, I realize and appreciate the discrepancy in health education in my country. There are countless HIV/AIDS programs, geared at educating the public about HIV, teaching them its mode of transmission, preventive efforts, where to seek treatment and so forth.

Yet there is hardly any effort spent on informing the people about other illnesses, cancers and chronic diseases.

We, the doctors have failed the very people we took the hippocratic oath to protect. I am responsible for informing mom about annual mammograms, pap smears, colonoscopies, cholesterol, diet and exercise, and all the other things our health system has not addressed.

She knows about HIV and how it is transmitted but she doesn't know about what else she should be looking out for. As far as we are concerned, there is one cause of morbidity and mortality and that is HIV. Nothing else is as serious. No other disease is as debilitating. Wrong.

I have been interested in preventive medicine for a while now and I intend to do a Residency in it soon. This will be my focus. Dealing with the other health issues, bringing peoples' attention to the fact that your body can bail out on you with age, even without the help of HIV. So screen, screen, screen.

friendship

Still strong. Home is good.

Thank God for friendship. Edith is now playing me back home. Being there for her as me until I can make it there.

Hopefully the next three weeks will be uneventful.

take 2

Who knew one could feel all the negative emotions there are in the world at once?

That is exactly what happened to me over the last two days.

I hadn't realized it till now. Now that all that negative energy has been washed off, I now feel different. I now feel something other than hopelessness and despair mixed with sadness and angst.

I feel the after-effects of exhaustion. That's right. My body is relaxed now that all the life sucking negativity is gone. I am calm.

I am hopeful. Hopeful that things will get better. That mom will get better.

That I will actually ace this @#$%! exam. This stupid exam hangs over my head like a dark cloud. I must do it and get it off my head. I must ace it, for mom.

She called me today to reiterate that I shouldn't walk away from my future, from my life to take care of her. She is such a strong woman, taking those chemotherapeutic drugs in stride with so much bravery. I owe her this one. I owe it to her to ace this exam. She is holding her end of the bargain, let me hold mine.

Dad called today too. He was a lot calmer than he was two days ago. He has hope as well. Now he can accept and join the fight. I never saw him in such turmoil like I did over the last two days. Thank God he is finally accepting the diagnosis and allowing the treatment to begin.

chemo cycle 1

Today mum had her first chemotherapy dose. She is the strongest woman I know and I am proud to have her as my mum. While the rest of us broke down around her after learning of her diagnosis, she stayed strong and has been the one encouraging us through this.

She met this wonderful nurse at the hospital. Thank God for nurses. This one nurse has made all the difference in our lives today. She encouraged my mum, stayed positive for her; something priceless during this tough time.

Mum took that first dose today with so much hope because of that one lady. I want to meet her and shake her hand.

I have been to hell's kitchen and back and I'll tell you this..its hot down there. No one wants to be in hell's kitchen.

Its time to get in touch with my God, build strength and be there for my mum in a more positive way than I have been. No more anxiety and fear; well, those will come now and again but so will hope for a better future, for a cure to this thing that threatens our very existence. My mum is on her way to recovery and I am going to be there to celebrate with her when she is told that she is cancer free!